Selfish Faith

                I feel as if I was lied to when I was told by friends, relatives, and experts through their written works that my baby would start sleeping through the night between 6 and 8 weeks old. Around that age, he did start sleeping through the night…for about a month. It may have been closer to 2 months before he started waking up throughout the night again. My husband warned me that around 4 months he might start waking up again. I assumed that it would last about a month and then we would start sleeping again, but at around 5 months my son’s teething pains got much worse. Now, at almost 7 months, my son still has not started sleeping through the night again and he has no teeth to show for it. Last night was particularly bad because I only saw my own bedroom for a collective 4.5 hours. The rest of my night I spent begging God to put my little boy to sleep and take away his pain so that I could rest. It was one of those times that my mom used to describe as “feeling like your prayers are bouncing off the roof and coming back down just to hit you in the face again.” I kept reminding myself that one day my son will be old enough understand that he should not pull my hair, ears, and necklace in the middle of the night even though right now he only seems to understand what I can do for him, not how his behavior affects me.

                James 4 continues with a strong message for believers. James says that are at war with our own desires and they quickly lead us astray. We try to pursue our own selfish goals instead of asking God for what we need. When we do ask the Lord for things, it is with the wrong motives. We ask like we are infants only understanding what God can do for us instead of considering how it affects His plans and the work of His kingdom. James says we should humble ourselves instead of pursing wealth and greed like the world around us. He says we should not judge one another or criticize each other because it is not our place. He concludes by saying that we should pursue the will of the Lord rather than assuming we know what the next day will bring.

                Recently, my husband and I had a finder-binder up the road from our house. My first response from my heart was, “The Lord must have a reason for this! I am so grateful that no one was hurt, we have insurance, we were not in a rush to get anywhere important, and we are very close to home.” It is the small things in which I struggle to see God’s hand. Being up last night caring for my son, I was sure all hope was lost. After reading James I was convicted at my hesitance to believe God has a purpose for the many sleepless nights that come with raising a child. Rather than selfishly asking God to take care of my son so I can sleep, I should be asking for the strength and patience needed to stay up as long as it takes. What other “little things” have I let become road blogs to my faith? Do I pray selfishly or with the Lord’s will in mind? Am I pursing my own desires, or the desires of the Lord?

                Dear Lord, please help me to develop strength and patience in raising my son. Please help me not to be sidetracked in my faith by little things but to trust you in all things big or small. Help me to pray for your will rather than pursue what the world tells me I need to be happy. Amen.